Free Fridays: Of adab and tiramisu.
7 November 2025
So the setting was as such.
It was a nice and breezy night. Fadza and I were sitting inside a dessert shop – it was cheat night, we thought as we smiled at each other. We talked and laughed about our day, and that’s when he decided to say those words that could’ve ended the night with an argument.
“There’s something that you did today that I noticed. I’m not trying to tell you off, but I do think it’s something you should realise…” he started.
I started to shift uncomfortably.
What did I do?
“Oh? What was it?” I asked.
Fadza smiled and said gently, “There were a couple occasions today when you’d ask someone a question and when they start talking, after a minute, you’d take out your phone and zone out. When they’re still talking.”
I took a bite of my tiramisu, quietly.
Brain: Loading…
Heart: Putting on boxing gloves…
Now here’s where I want you to imagine these following two scenarios, played out by two different Vivy characters.
First Vivy would have responded as below:
WHAT DO YOU MEAN. I NEVER DO THAT HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT WHEN TELL ME WHEN DID I DO THAT. YOU DO KNOW YOU DO THAT TOO SOMETIMES RIGHT. YES YOU DO. THE OTHER DAY, ON THE 8TH OF OCTOBER I WAS TALKING AND YOU JUST STARTED TYPING ON YOUR PHONE. AND ANOTHER OCCASION ON THE 16TH OF OCTOBER TOO. SEE NOW I DON’T FEEL LIKE EATING THIS TIRAMISU ANYMORE.
Yeahhhhhh, she would get defensive and be on attack mode after. Always wanting to win, her ego would never allow her to just admit defeat. Lovely Type A personality.
Then there’s a Second Vivy. Her response would be:
Omg yes I noticed this too. It’s such a bad habit of mine. I need to check and reply whatsapps immediately and I get restless if I don’t. Thank you so much for telling me. I really need to improve in this department.
Which Vivy showed up that night?
Fadza’s jaw dropped.
Because Second Vivy showed up.
Did my wife just… agree? He probably had to pause to check that he heard me right.
I think I’ve gone soft, guys. 😂 I knew I was wrong, full stop. But how come it’s easier now to accept criticism? Because my ego is no longer the boss of me. I really think the more we learn about our religion, the more our ego gets lowered. It’s less about “I need to win this argument” and more about “Is what I’m doing pleasing to my Creator?” And it totally wasn’t – me glancing at the phone to reply a whatsapp when someone is talking is 100% rude and I need to stop this pronto. I learned that even with our Prophet Rasulullah s.a.w., he would always turn his body to you when talking to you and he would give you his 100% attention, making you feel like the most special human being. That’s #goals!
And then there’s the way Fadza gave the advice that softened me. He fed me sugar first (clever), he waited till I was calm and relaxed, and he was gentle with his words and tone – I acknowledged how kind he was in delivering a negative message. And there’s wisdom there in how to advise another person with respect. And so the advice becomes easier to swallow.
That night lit a lightbulb in me about adab in our daily lives. At some point in our daily lives, we would be faced with either having to give advice to someone or receive advice from someone. Sometimes it’s not easy to do, so both sides need to be ready with lowered egos and mutual respect.
… and maybe a tinyyyyy tiramisu won’t hurt either.
Before you go…
Let me know you’ve read this. Comment “ego is the enemy” on my latest post at @sincerelyvivy.
See you there! :)
Yummy tiramisu 🤤 better than ego, shared with mi amigo.
Ego is the enemy.